I Will Not Apologize

Photo by Tiduckman

If I asked those of you who know me to describe me with one word that sums up my nature, I wonder how you would respond. I imagine most of you would say “passionate”, “dramatic”, or perhaps “tough”, “assertive”, or “unabashed”. And while I would instinctively consider each of those terms a great compliment, you would be wrong. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. To most of you who know me, that is how I present myself to you - loud and proud, unapologetic, and tenacious. But, oh, how I must tell you, I am an actress - an out and out fraud. That seemingly unwavering vigor you see on a regular basis is simply a thick skin I wear to protect me from the outside world. Underneath, there is nothing more than a tender, weary little girl whose spirit is so delicate its a miracle she’s still alive.

I am too soft for this world, and I learned that as a child. This world did not make sense to me. Everything was too fast, too restrained, too austere. I couldn’t understand why everyone didn’t get misty-eyed from a gentle sunset, or fall apart at the slightest sight of suffering. But I quickly discovered that people who did do those things would never “make it” in this world of ours. They were too frail, too easily stepped on or overlooked. I learned that I had to be tough to fit in. I turned my tender heartache into biting sarcasm and dry humor. I carefully concealed my fears, pain, and fragility, and only allowed it to come out occasionally in a poem or a painting, never to be shared with another soul. I transformed my sorrow for the world into a passionate outcry against injustice. As the years went by, I became a master at adapting my wispy, sentimental heart into something more acceptable in the eyes of our world. And I have done this so much so that I have almost completely lost myself in the process.

Out of nowhere, it just hit me this morning, and it has left me utterly breathless - if my inner soul saw my outer likeness, I don’t think the two would recognize one another at all. Nothing has changed internally since those many years ago. My heart still breaks at the slightest touch. All it takes is a beautiful morning sky, a moving story, a clichéd love song, or an adorable animal, and I’m in tears, sometimes for hours or even days. My soul is as gentle and fragile as the wing of a butterfly. And what is so terrible about that? I have been so ashamed of that for so long, because I have been worried that people will write me off as weak or acquiescent. But what I have missed in the process is that being sensitive is my most precious gift. That sensitivity gives me doorways into worlds that many people will never be able to even catch sight of. To continue to stifle that vulnerability would be a grave injustice to myself and the world. Yes, our world needs those loud, brazen people to break through barriers and blaze trails for others. But this world needs us sensitive flowers just as desperately.

Photo from Times Higher Education

To borrow a metaphor used so often by a dear role model of mine, Glennon Doyle, we are the canaries in the coal mine. Our sensitivity to the more subtle, emotional facets of life can help others become more gentle, and more connected with one another and with all of the universe. I am finally beginning to see my true self as something to be nurtured and cherished, not concealed and altered. To hell with “fitting in” with the “real world”. That is not who I am.

I think my heart was just meant to break. Instead of fighting against that, and trying to be something I am not, I must boldly hold up that broken heart in my trembling hand and show the world: This is okay. There is nothing wrong with being soft. There is nothing wrong with being different. Even just writing these words it feels as though an enormous burden has been lifted from my shoulders. So, I take a vow today to start gently peeling away the layers of hardness I have worked so long to pack on. Today, I make a promise to myself to stop apologizing for who I really am, even if it means I “fit in” less with the world. I challenge you to do the same.

~Ember